I would like to correct several pieces of misinformation that have been circulating
over social media
in the lunch line
in the public square where the Chaldean grandfathers congregate to discuss their lost lands:
The staff is not
as has been reported
abducting cats from the school’s sizeable feral population
nor are they taking these cats to the sagging portable sheds
which all agree are reminiscent of a witch’s hovel
to eat them.
The midnight sleuth will certainly not hear wet sucking noises
the plink of small bones spit like pits
nor will these activities be punctuated by the squealing laughter of Boyd Andersson
beloved member of our Math faculty.
I confess that the image of that partially decomposed calico being exhumed
from the basement of the English building
as captured by the students of Ms. Gutierrez’s excellent yearbook class
several of which are still at large
does not paint the school in a flattering light.
Nothing about this unfortunate breach in the administration’s
normally Stygian operations
provides any incriminating evidence
w/r/t the mysterious culling of this pest population.
the sad truth is that the school administration is working with the appropriate authorities
to ensure that the little gremlins are removed from the campus in a hasty and humane manner At least
until the next crisis
or budget shortfall
or the Governing Board becomes bored
whatever it is, it will happen soon.
we will abandon this Children’s Crusade
the little padfoots will return
the anonymous staff member can continue their clandestine practice
laying out kibble.
Joseph Byron Bennett